Am I the only person in the world that gets sexually aroused during the Trooping of the Colour? It can’t just be me. There’s just something about a large group of men all dressed the same and moving around in circles to the same music that I find compelling and irresistible. I guess that’s why I am in Bombskare. It’s also quite arousing to see the Queen getting out and about especially during this age of austerity. If I had a £1,000,000 hat, I might be laying low these days, perhaps just get my housing benefit paid straight into my account, but not old Beth, she’s pimping about like she owns the place with her private cavalry and her solid gold horse drawn carriage like it’s 1688. I wonder how much her giro is? It makes you proud to be British, or so I’m told. Anyway, even though she’s a hundred years old, I’d still tap that.
Of course I’d be worried about our ubermenscen children. You see the problem with people who are not only physically beautiful but also extremely talented and intelligent, is that we are deeply resented by the rest of you, the normals, as we call you. As a band, we are constantly having people undress us with their eyes, then redressing us with their eyes, putting more clothes on us with their eyes. Encasing us in carbonite and firing us off into deep space with their eyes. I know it gets to some of the guys but it doesn’t bother me. It used to but not any more. I balance out my physical beauty by having a repugnant personality.
Once again the news is depressing as hell. You might have noticed that our zombie banking industry is in trouble again. It turns out that the whole rotting edifice is a corrupt, criminal gang that is stealing the future of whole populations across Europe and is threatening to bring civilisation to the brink of… wait a minute. Didn’t we do this already in 2008? Oh that’s right. History is cyclical. Royal Bank of Scotland, amongst others, is being fined hundreds of millions of pounds for manipulating interest rates, but since RBS is 80% owned by the taxpayer, this means the taxpayer is fining RBS for defrauding the taxpayer, but the fine will be paid by… the taxpayer. I think it’s time to try this crystal meth I’ve been hearing so much about. Anyway, we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that it looks like Bombskare may be leaving the Eurozone, which is a disaster, no question, but it may be the only way to stop the contagion of toxic debt spreading to other Ska economies such as The Amphetameanies or god forbid, The Skatalites. The Skatalites would be fine I’m sure, they’re mostly liquid anyway. Make no mistake though, we are not in a recession. A recession actually has redemptive qualities such as removing ineffiecient elements from the workplace like Jim Sloan, or making necessary corrections to over-inflated financial markets like Tom Pickles, but that’s not what this is. This is a full blown catastrofuck especially if we have to go back to using the pound because lets face it, the pound is not worth as much as it used to be. It’s either that or face crippling, Third World style austerity. You see the Ska economy is a lot like a patient recovering from a serious operation but who needs to go on a crash diet. The diet may well end up wrecking the recovery and killing the patient, in which case, oh well… So austerity it is and you know what that means. No more luxury crisps for Papa Joe backstage, brass instruments made out of actual brass instead of whatever they are made out of now (gold, I assume), and only play gigs that are downhill from wherever we are to save on diesel.
So what’s the good news. The good news is that we have a plan to save the world. Yes, another one. Education. We’ll educate our way out of the financial meltdown. Some naysayers and Pink Floyd fans may be saying ‘we don’t need no education’. But aside from being grammatically terrible, it is factually wrong. Education will help prepare the next generation of Ska bands for the future, by giving them the skills to innovate new and creative kinds of Ska. To that end we are soon enrolling students at Bombskare University for a four year degree course in Ska. You can do a degree in folk music so why not a degree in Ska? There’ll be specialisations of course; Ska theoretical studies, Ska statistics, Ska astronomy, post-modern critiques of Ska in the post-War period, the pyschology of Ska and of course Ska historical studies, which was my major field of study, and why I have the initals BSk after my name. I’m a Batchelor of Ska. My dissertation was about early Ska history. Most people don’t realise how Ska was created and there are a number of outlandish theories; that it was created by NASA in the fifties to help fight communism, or that Prometheus stole it from the gods, or my personal favourite, that is was created in Jamaica by the descendants of slaves for laughs. Hilarious. Actually the truth is a bit more disturbing, and like most things in the world, it can be answered in one word; Tesla. Ska was created by Nikola Tesla as part of a bet he had with Thomas Edison in 1885, the so called Ska Wars. Tesla’s preferred method, the Alternating Ska system was far superior to Edison’s Direct Ska system which he demonstrated by making an elephant dance to a skank guitar for two whole minutes, no wires or cables of any kind. Pretty futuristic for the time; nowadays we wouldn’t bat an eyelid watching an elephant skank about at 150 beats per minute but back then they didn’t have things like that. Edison had his revenge later on by electrocuting the same elephant, the bastard.
We have been busy recently with our world famous Trooping of the Black and White. We played at the Brewdog AGM/ 5th Birthday Party at the AECC with the likes of Kassidy and FatherSon, yeah, whatever. The real band to watch on that night was The Fire and I. We’ve played with them loads, and pound for pound, this two-piece band from Bathgate via Mexico City are probably the best band in the country. Seriously good, Actually the most impressive thing was that we arrived at 2pm in the afternoon, were supplied with an unlimited amount of beer before we went on, and by 10pm we went on with no serious mishaps of any kind, unless you call drinking gallons of quality Brewdog ale and watching The Adventures of TinTin a mishap. It was a Christmas miracle in Spring. We were in Kilmarnock and Aberdeen with our friends The Hostiles, which is a pretty misleading name, they are actually quite approachable. We played in Newcastle with the excellent Pikey Beatz. We played the Downhill Downtown tournament in Fort William, the worlds largest collection of adrenalin junkies hurtling down the side of a mountain, with our compadres Stanley Odd featuring our old friend ‘Diamond’ Dave Hook, or Dave Lee Hook if you prefer. We also played our increasingly popular Orkestra del Bombskare acoustic racket up on the mountain itself to hundreds of bemused mountain bikers and spectators. Bloody marvellous. We headlined the Eden festival on the Sunday night to a very receptive mud soaked crowd yet again. It’s how they did ska in the First World War.
We have also been back to our favourite island, Shetland (far superior to New Guinea), to play at the Simmer Dim biker festival. That was a pretty hair raising experience. We played our Rage Against The Machine set first and then went on and played what must have been a two and a half hour set of Bombskare classics. They have some pretty interesting drinking games up there. One involved a tube, a funnel and a rotating chair attached to an engine of some description that spinned the hapless victim around at twenty miles an hour while he tried to stay on and empty the funnel. Fucking crazy, man. We heard about another one that involved a water cooler container with the bottom cut off which is put over the victim’s head, and sealed with scuba style neck piece, and then it is filled with booze, and the victim has to drink his way out, or drown. Needless to say that particular game is only for the suicidal alcoholic, so it’s very popular in Shetland. On the Sunday we played an impromptu set in the Lerwick Rugby Club with the drummer from Maskarade filling in for us on the kit, with no rehearsal or warning of any kind. Hats off to Ritchie Williams, and to Maskarade who were impressive as fuck. Also big thanks to Jeff Ampleford and family, Hazel Leask and our driver Lynne, Steve and Amanda, and of course to Squad No.40.
And now it’s Edinburgh’s turn. If you aren’t there tonight at Studio 24 with us and Esperanza, then what the fuck are you doing with your life?